Kneeling on the dance floor, tears streaming down my face, looking up crying for a vision. Calling the Phoenix.
Why wasn’t I feeling my heart anymore?
This year I had closed down, my window of tolerance had shrunk, constantly shifting through numbness, anger, depression and over-planning just to see my plans came crushing down for some reason or another. There was no middle ground, no safe space for me to really just be. And when I “was”, I would find some distraction. I couldn’t cope with so much madness, so much change, so much unknown.
I had come this summer of 2021 to a place that for me is home: the workshop dancefloor, in presence, with people, outside in nature. And I gave myself the possibility of being finally held by the space and finally breaking open, letting go of all my control letting it fall down to the ground, letting me be held also by resonant souls each one in their own journey of transformation.
And so, I let the doors of the waters wide open, I cried for the loss, for the collective situation, for what I didn’t know I needed to cry, for lost dances, lost encounters, for my family far away, for myself.
I cried and kneeled on the floor, furiously praying for a vision, calling the Phoenix.
And a vision I did get.
I got a healing. I got Covid.
I know this is quite triggering for the many who have lost loved ones or gone through it. Thankfully my body and life decided to let me go through this initiation in a way that I could come out of it relatively unscarred. I know that hasn’t been the case for many, and my heart goes out to them. We are truly humbly riding the Great Wave, the Great unknown.
For me it meant letting go of all of my control and just trust that something bigger had me. The Great Mystery. The Great Choreographer. Divine Source. I just had to let go and go into my inner body cave and let it do what it is wired to do: heal. Of course with the help of good natural and allopathic medicine. The feminine wisdom of intuition and the natural world working together with the masculine quality of rationality and science when in service for the highest good, in my view the only way forward from now on.
It was also impossible to not go into the collective field of fear that all of this has caused, to even face death. I looked at my fear straight in the eyes and realized there was still work to do. I had to give a shape, a size, a consistency to my beastly fear.
I chose a wooden box (my fear box) and when I felt too much overwhelm in my body I would grab the box and repeat, “I am not my fears”. Feeling it with my hands, sensing it was not bigger than me was extremely helpful. “It” was there, but I was not “it”. I also found space to send love and transmute into compassion to these fears that over the years have protected me and that have come from hurt childhood places.
Reshaping the story, transmuting my fear, alchemizing fear into love. This was my ceremony. The biggest one yet.
This space gifted me with some of the most intense ecstatic experiences I have ever had. I could feel the Earth’s cristalline energy rushing through my feet into my pelvis, alchemizing in my heart and shooting up my head like a true corona(tion), the snake awakened. I knew I was held and loved and cared for. Inside my skin my whole body was activated, cells loving and fighting. Working with the virus.
And I could not help but feel so grateful to have such a strong embodied practice that I could lean into. A practice that has accompanied me for years through huge inner transformation and empowerment. It is not a coincidence that inside at the very center of our Movement Medicine Mandala we have the Phoenix. A symbol of rebirth and transmutation through fire.
I have learned to welcome a wide array of emotions with compassionate mindfulness to swiftly move them through and out the body until they no longer have a hold on me. Developing my own inner self-awareness to recognise the different qualities of my internal body language and to foster a reciprocal relationship with my body’s natural wisdom. Reconnecting to my embodied sovereignty so that like the Phoenix I may be rebirthed each day transmuting fear into love.
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